My Autobiography (1964) by Sir Charles Chaplin

brilliant! it was touching, entertaining, heart-warming, funny, and honest and sincere. indeed, every page was a good read. he fed me with enthusiasm and passages to live by. there are so many words you could use to describe it, but the best thing i could do is to love and embrace his art.

truly, he's one of the most important figures in the 20th century. the beginning was an honest telling of his Dickens-like life. moreover, it was nice to read those people, who mostly made a name in their own different profession, he met during his travels. a non-Chaplin fan may get tired of it, but it was worth a read. it was very touching to read the end part where of all the fame and fortune, and despite the ups and downs, he was able to be at peace and get what he wanted: happiness that sprouted from his struggles in life.

Chaplin Revue

'...the classic scene of him walking off into the distance, swinging his walking stick is an iconic moment in movie history.'

poignant and comical. these two words describe Sir Charles Chaplin's brilliant masterpieces (even if i haven't seen them all yet). in 'The Kid', 'The Gold Rush', 'The Circus', 'Modern Times', and 'City Lights', his subtle interpretation of sadness and laughter could not be bettered by his contemporaries. truly, no one on earth could make audience laugh and cry at the same time but Chaplin himself. these films, i believe, could be his greatest (my views could change because i haven't seen all his works yet). all featured 'The Little Tramp': poor, lonely, seeking for romance, and trying with all his might to get away from trouble and please his love interest. he has no friends, a loner, living in a world only he can understand, but tries to act like everybody else when forced by the situation. some say that The Tramp was once a rich and respected man, but had became penniless not forgetting a sophisticated and gentlemanly disposition, possibly reliving his past.

The Kid (1921)

'The Kid' would be one of his most artistic film with comedy and drama perfectly combined. the story begins with a woman 'whose only sin was motherhood' walking out of a charity hospital with a baby in her arms. she left him inside a car with a note ('Please care for and love this orphan child'). thieves steal the car and dump the baby. a strolling tramp finds him, mistakes a woman pasing by with another child for his mother, and hesitantly takes him home after reading the note. as he grows into a five-year-old boy, he establishes a heart-warming relationship with The Tramp. he becomes his partner-in-crime, breaking windows while his adopter earns honest living through these breakages. the drama reaches the point of pathos when the social workers tries to take the kid away to the orphanage. The Tramp's struggle and fight to keep him is definitely a stab in one's heart, making the audience an emphatic observer. this is just the penultimate. such feeling reaches its ultimate during their reunion where they share an ardent embrace.

Chaplin made this film while on a personal crises: the recent death of his first child and issues with his first wife. however, his artistic genius still prevailed, undoubtedly drawing inspiration from his childhood days, which were reflected on this film. 'The Kid' intensified his fame, and Jackie Coogan found his break. after its theatrical release, praises from critics and powerful personalities swarmed the two protagonists.

viewing 'The Kid' is a privilege and an emotional trigger. two contrasting emotions were felt and kept me glued to this work of art. never had I encounter a complete timeless classic experience, until Chaplin introduced me to it. (Keaton's classics were great and provided the pieces, but Chaplin put them all together). for those who haven't seen this, your film experience will be incomplete. better make this a part of your list. for those who consider silent classic films one-note, i don't know what kind of art perfection you are looking for if you are not moved by what this film could offer and make you.

The Gold Rush (1925)

i first read about the Klondike Gold Rush through Jack London's 'The Call of the Wild' and 'To Build A Fire.' truly, prospectors, as portrayed by London, could have suffered unimaginable cold and hunger. it was during the panic of the late 19th century due to recessions that abundance of gold were discovered. people from different walks of life rushed to the mountains of Alaska. apparently, Chaplin was inspired to make a comedy out of the dire straits in the history of survival.The Tramp is a gold prospector who joins the rush. while prospecting through a snow storm, he finds his way to a cabin with another prospector and an escapee. suffering extreme hunger, The Little Tramp eats a salted candle, cooks his boot and eats it in a gastronomic fashion, and turns into a chicken in the eyes of Big Jim, his desperate prospector companion. after the desperation, they parted ways. Big Jim meets the escapee and is knocked down. the escapee unfortunately falls from a cliff. The Tramp gives up prospecting and falls in love with a girl in a pub. he thinks she was also in love with him. he invites her to a New Year dinner with her friends and dreams of entertaining them with a dance using rolls stabbed with forks. this is the most loved scene in this film and definitely the best. he puts a charming flair to this act that makes it so appealing to the audience. however, the joy is cut short when he wakes up finding no such thing. film viewers would wish it real for The Tramp. here we empathise with his feelings and feel at one with his disappointment.

comic genius was at its height in the scenes inside the cabin, especially the cabin see-sawing on the edge of a cliff. The Tramp and his prospector friend go back to the mountains to find the latter's hidden gold. after scrambling out of the forlorn cabin, they find it and become instant millionaires. The Tramp, in the end, reunites with the girl.

the version i saw was the 1943 re-release version. here Chaplin narrated the events with his neutral English accent. some scenes were cut, but i still enjoyed the whole film. the 1925 original version would have been a great one, unfortunately, i can't find it.

'The Gold Rush' would be remembered for its light-hearted treatment of ups and downs. truly, the marriage of tragedy and comedy is not impossible for Chaplin. they are a perfect and winning combination to picture real life.

The Circus (1928)

'Funny without even trying.' this describes acts of Sir Charles Chaplin's The Tramp. indeed, he's acting, but what i meant about this is that he never needed to overexert himself to be funny. the little fellow was born out of him; a natural 'the other side.' 'The Circus' mirrors the same concept when the Tramp finds himself in a tight chase with a police officer and a thief in the circus and turns out funny and a hit through his mishaps. he meets a girl, of course, falls in love with her, and defends her from an abusive father. however, a rival cuts his advances: she falls for another man, but he never gives up without a fight. in one of the most skilful scenes, The Tramp walks on a tight rope while being attacked by monkeys. what's more, the scene with the lion in a cage would take one's breath away.

the end justifies Chaplin's artistic play with pathos. one of the most memorable poignant scenes would be when the Tramp gives the engagement ring he bought to his rival, whom the girl truly loves. the couple, now married, insist the Tramp to stay with the circus. he agrees, but he stays behind, sits while watching the troupe leave, and eventually walks off the other way.
this could be one of his most poignant films, probably underrated. again, we see the coexistence of drama and comedy cleverly and effectively combined. alongside the storyline, the film brought up Chaplin's skilled comic effects and poignancy. indeed, he truly deserved the Academy Award he received in 1929.

the making of this film was Chaplin's most stressful experience. problems both personal and technical in nature delayed its completion. he never even mentioned this in his autobiography. despite that, the ingenuity of the comic performances assumed the upper hand and all the difficulties paved the way for Chaplin's brilliant art.

if i were to choose what were Chaplin's greatest works, i would probably include this. truly, he amazes me with his comedy and artistic brilliance. the most memorable that caught me and kept me in awe and attached were The Tramp's most humblest display of deep emotion. the 'walking off the distance' at the end left me in the highest level of ecstasy. think of me as overdrawing or what, but that's what it all is. i feel like drugged . of all the delight, there is one thing i regret so much about all this Chaplin frenzy: the fact that i cannot go back in time to meet and thank one of the prime movers of effective film ingenuity.

City Lights (1931)

'You?'
'You can see now?'
'Yes, I can see now...'

the scene accompanied by these intertitles is the most moving ending in film history: a great perfect ending for a romantic comedy.

the story centres around The Tramp, as always most of the time, poor, but light-hearted and jaunty. wandering he meets a drunk rich man and stops him from commiting suicide. they became 'best friends for life' only when the man is drunk. he takes him to clubs, parties, and his home, and gives him his clothes and car. when he's not drunk, he throws him out. The Tramp also meets a blind girl who sells flowers. he falls in love with her. when the girl mistakes him for a rich man, he carries on with the impersonation.
memorable and the most entertaining scenes happen when the Tramp gets jobs to help the poor girl and her grandmother pay their rent. He becomes a street cleaner, but eventually loses it. losing hope, he was invited to a boxing bout, where Chaplin displays a cunning show of footwork. unsuccessful, he again bumps into the rich man after returning from a trip. again, they are best friends, and the man gives him a lump sum of $1000 to pay for the girl's rent and eye operation. unfortunately, things go familiarly wrong as The Tramp is accused of stealing. nevertheless, he manages to meet the girl to give the money and tells her he'll be going away for a while, when in truth, he'll be arrested.

months later, he is released, broke, and looking for the girl. then, he goes further the city where the girl, now can see, has built a flower shop. he is picking up a flower on the side street when two boys kicked him sending the girl laughing. when the tramp turns around, he sees her through the glass window. surprised and joyed, he smiles at her while the flower crumbles off his hand. now the question of whether she'll accepts him or not after finally seeing his true identity excites us all. when she offers him a flower and a coin, he hesitates at first but slowly reaches for the flower. finally, she takes his hand to give the coin, but when she feels it, she realises the truth:

'You?' she says. The tramp nods and asks,
'You can see now?' She clutches his hand to her chest and says,
'Yes, I can see now.'

holding both their feelings and emotions, the girl definitely accepts him after squeezing his hand to her chest and smiles, and the tramp, as the scene fades, smiles back lovingly.

this film moved me to unexplainable heights, which i do like. that last scene still magnetises me. bewitched am I. this could be an overall revelation of what The Tramp is capable of and who he is; what Chaplin can offer. a star, director, producer, composer, and writer, Chaplin extends his capabilities to his alter ego on screen. in 'City Lights,' he is a gentleman, romantic, comic, cunning, bum, loner, unfortunate, dancer, athlete, carefree but occasionally determined. he was born out of a socially, artistically, and emotionally inclined mind. he was beyond the cane, the hat, the toothbrush moustache, the baggy pants, and the big shoes. he IS us. though we plan ahead, we tend to be wanderers in life; we tend to be rejected or accepted.

this idea was perfectly portrayed by The Tramp and the flower girl. throughout the film, it became a moving subject, cleverly mixed with delightful comic plays. i want to tell them all here, but i will only spoil the surprise.

Chaplin made this during the emergence of sound films; the 'talkies.' before it opens, some say it would be a mistiming to release it. however, he made a gamble, and the result was beyond expectation: it was a success. different personalities listed it as one of their favourite films, film institutes recognised its importance to culture and life, and film-goers loved it without a doubt. i cannot seem to imagine someone not liking and loving this film.

viewing 'City Lights' is not only a delight, but also a complete art to experience that stirs up emotions. this would be my most favourite Chaplin film of all time along with his other feature films. silent films, silent films. they reach broader audience, they are universal and welcomes no boundaries, their stories flows smoothly without being delayed by sound; the movements of characters and transition of events speak for themselves, and they leave you with an awe-inspiring remembrance. as what Ebert said: 'They stay with you. They are not just a work, but a place.'

Modern Times (1936)

Industrialisation. Innovation. Changes. In 'Modern Times,' these were highlighted. It became a socially significant film with a perfect reference to the hardships people experienced during the Great Depression: unemployment and financial problems. Technically, this was Chaplin's last silent film before moving to 'talkies' ('The Great Dictator' being his first talkie).

The story tells about the Tramp struggling to survive in a highly industrialised world. Chaplin inserted a serious subject underlined through humour. If 'City Lights' brought out all his sentimental capabilities, 'Modern Times' highlighted his ability to tackle social issues. It started with a commentary on machines enslaving humans. That such inclination to mechanical development may lead to absurd dependency (bordering on madness, at least in a comic manner by the Tramp in one of the most memorable scenes in the film where he continuously twitches and tightens everything in sight like bolts and when he becomes a subject for a mechanical demonstration). Here Chaplin aired his own interpretation of what industrialisation had brought about during his times.

The sequence moved on to the Tramp desperately wanting to find occupation after being released from a ward because of mental breakdown. As usual, he meets trouble, goes to jail, and after making a heroic move, is set free, but ironically wishes to stay to avoid getting in trouble again. Nevertheless, he is released and bumps into a gamine. His scenes with her shows a mixture of struggle and hope. Both of them represent a typical desperate creatures of the time of depression. They hope and dream of a better life; they promise to free themselves from poverty. Inspired, the Tramp gets a job as a night watchman in a department store where he and the gamine enjoy themselves. However, their effort was of no avail. In one of the touching scenes, the gamine surprises the Tramp into a home: a forlorn house beside a lake. Here Chaplin displayed amusing humour. He once said that humour is the subtle discrepancy we discern in what appears to normal behaviour. The gags in unison with the normality of the scenes are riveting and entertaining.

Chaplin was able to sustain the entertainment all throughout: from the scene where a mechanic is trapped in a big machine and to the Tramp's attempt to wait and sing in a cafe. For the first and last time, the Tramp's voice is heard singing a song with gibberish words while miming. Everything seems well after his well-loved act, but trouble always gets on their way. Fortunately, they escape and are back to square one.

The next day, the Tramp and the gamine is seen sitting on the side road. Then, she cries and says, 'What's the use of trying?' The Tramp replies encouragingly, 'Buck up - never say die. We'll get along!' He encourages her to put a smile. With arms linked together, they walk down the road towards the unknown future full of hope and optimism.The film's ending has long been included in the long list of classic and ageless moments in film history. That 'walking off' has been a symbolic moment in most Chaplin films. Whenever they end this way, the feeling brought out is unexplainable, very subtle, and calm. It is a perfect ending, and, as I am always saying about his works, timeless. 'Modern Times' is as excellent as it gets. We realise a serious message. Every inch, it goes together with the ever-effective laughter and sentiment combined. Even if talkies were becoming prominent when the film was released, Chaplin was still able to draw everyone's attention in admiring a silent film then considered passe for the last time. It had since been one of the most memorable films featuring the Tramp, a blockbuster, and one of the greatest films culturally and socially significant.

AFI's 100 best American films of all time (2008)

The ones in bold letters are the films I've already seen

RANK FILM
1 CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2 GODFATHER, THE (1972)
3 CASABLANCA (1942)
4 RAGING BULL (1980)
5 SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
6 GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
7 LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
8 SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
9 VERTIGO (1958)
10 WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939)
11 CITY LIGHTS (1931)
12 SEARCHERS, THE (1956)
13 STAR WARS (1977)
14 PSYCHO (1960)
15 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
16 SUNSET BLVD. (1950)
17 GRADUATE, THE (1967)
18 GENERAL, THE (1927)
19 ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
20 IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
21 CHINATOWN (1974)
22 SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
23 GRAPES OF WRATH, THE (1940)
24 E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
25 TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
26 MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
27 HIGH NOON (1952)
28 ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
29 DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
30 APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
31 MALTESE FALCON, THE (1941)
32 GODFATHER PART II, THE (1974)
33 ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)

34 SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
35 ANNIE HALL (1977)
36 BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI, THE (1957)
37 BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, THE (1946)
38 TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, THE (1948)
39 DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)
40 SOUND OF MUSIC, THE (1965)
41 KING KONG (1933)
42 BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
43 MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
44 PHILADELPHIA STORY, THE (1940)
45 SHANE (1953)
46 IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
47 STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, A (1951)
48 REAR WINDOW (1954)
49 INTOLERANCE (1916)
50 LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, THE (2001)
51 WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
52 TAXI DRIVER (1976)
53 DEER HUNTER, THE (1978)
54 M*A*S*H (1970)
55 NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
56 JAWS (1975)
57 ROCKY (1976)
58 GOLD RUSH, THE (1925)
59 NASHVILLE (1975)
60 DUCK SOUP (1933)
61 SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS (1941)
62 AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
63 CABARET (1972)
64 NETWORK (1976)
65 AFRICAN QUEEN, THE (1951)
66 RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
67 WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? (1966)
68 UNFORGIVEN (1992)
69 TOOTSIE (1982)
70 CLOCKWORK ORANGE, A (1971)
71 SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998)
72 SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE (1994)
73 BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)

74 SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE (1991)
75 IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (1967)
76 FORREST GUMP (1994)
77 ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976)
78 MODERN TIMES (1936)
79 WILD BUNCH, THE (1969)
80 APARTMENT, THE (1960)
81 SPARTACUS (1960)
82 SUNRISE (1927)
83 TITANIC (1997)
84 EASY RIDER (1969)
85 NIGHT AT THE OPERA, A (1935)
86 PLATOON (1986)
87 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)
88 BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
89 SIXTH SENSE, THE (1999)
90 SWING TIME (1936)
91 SOPHIE'S CHOICE (1982)
92 GOODFELLAS (1990)
93 FRENCH CONNECTION, THE (1971)
94 PULP FICTION (1994)
95 LAST PICTURE SHOW, THE (1971)
96 DO THE RIGHT THING (1989)
97 BLADE RUNNER (1982)
98 YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)
99 TOY STORY (1995)
100 BEN-HUR (1959)

It's not over..The Music of the Night..

"Ladies and Gentlemen,

At 11 o'clock on the eighth day of October 2009, I will be making an announcement of global importance.

Should my commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur.

Amor Numquam Moritur

Your Obedient Servant,

The Phantom "

this letter came from RUG (The Really Useful Group). i had expected this: the announcement of when the sequel of The Phantom of the Opera will be released. at first, the news about that sequel was mostly received coldly by die-hard fans. i am one of those die-hard fans, but my doubt did not reach the extent of condemning a possible sequel. i thought, 'i haven't even seen the original one. then, a sequel just came up..Haay, Michael Crawford..if only i had been born before the height of Phantom's success. i would have been one of those who were awestruck by God's gift to musical theatre.'

8 October: Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber made the announcement. he looked pretty much excited about his new work, but not as excited as the release of his first one. he related that back in 1997, he had a talk with Maria Bjornson, the production designer of Phantom on stage, about a possible sequel. Maria find the ending lame (Christine went on to live with a 'boring' wealthy aristocrat). Andrew began collaborating with the writer Frederick Forsyth, but the project was put on hold because he felt the ideas were not suitable to be adapted on stage. Forsyth later released a book called The Phantom of Manhattan based on some of the ideas. then, Ben Elton approached him in 2007. he related his own idea of preserving the original characters. thus, the sequel Phantom: Love Never Dies began.

if you will ask me about the title, i find it lame. i don't know. it's too typical and unappealing, but my belief in my favourite composer never dies out. i guess the reason why the sequel has gone on and off is that he had no initial inspiration in making the musical score; unlike in the first one in which his then wife and lead actress on the show, Sarah Brightman, had been the inspiration and reason behind the most successful musical theatre of all time. however, upon hearing some music from the latest sequel, i guess it would be one great show. his artistic musical genius never loosen its grip, at least for me. Ramin Karimloo will play the Phantom, and Sierra Boggess will play Christine. i hope John Barrowman will play as Raoul because in the cast recording, he's Raoul.

“LOVE NEVER DIES” continues the story of ‘The Phantom’, who has moved from his lair in the Paris Opera House to haunt the fairgrounds of Coney Island, far across the Atlantic. set 10 years after the mysterious disappearance of ‘The Phantom’ from Paris, this show is a rollercoaster ride of obsession and intrigue...in which music and memory can play cruel tricks...and ‘The Phantom’ sets out to prove that, indeed, “LOVE NEVER DIES”.

the new show will have its World Premiere in London at the Adelphi Theatre on tuesday 9 March 2010 followed by New York on thursday 11 November and in Australia in 2011. (loveneverdies.com)

generally, i am excited. i am thinking about pre-ordering the cast recording. two sample music, 'Till I Hear You Sing' sang by Ramin Karimloo and the 'Coney Island Waltz' were played during the grand launch. i wouldn't be able, however, to see it on stage. Poor me. i may satisfy myself listening to the music and, probably, watching come clips in YouTube (just like what i did in Phantom).

for all you know, this is my obsession, and i will be obsessed by it forever. the Music of the Night is not over, never will be over...

at Gotti's

yesterday my brother and i met with mommy at the grocery store. some nice italian lunch awaits us there prior to that. it would be my third time eating there now, my brother's first time. we ordered frutti di mare and what they called godfather pizza. frutti di mare's very tasty and hmmm, very delicious. it's a seafood dish, has a combination of sour and salty taste. here are some pics of that mouth-watering meal:

Frutti di Mare (right before we savour it all up)

my share..i tell ya it's yummy

we weren't able to take a picture of the godfather pizza. anyway, it's like pepperoni pizza, all the same.

gotti's a fine restaurant, i would rank it right next to sbarro's. though there are many other italian resto's out there, for now, i'll settle with what these two could offer. i love italian cuisine very much. you could try them out at sm megamall. gotti's located at sm megamall's mega atrium, and sbarro at building A. bene!

forgettable

Gloria Arroyo's being bombarded by lots of rotten tomatoes. i can imagine her on stage tied on a chair wearing what she wore during her infamous meeting with US President Obama, while audience are in rage, booing, and media people are enjoying good shots of the tumultuous recreation of La Tomatina.

Arroyo is on fire these previous days, burning hot at the stake set by her critics and Filipinos who are fed up by her mere presence in news reports and ads. three alleged lavish dinners during her US visit are currently the hottest talks in town. Fishy? for most people, especially Filipinos, those dinners are brow-raising and brazen acts of insult to their empty starving stomachs. spending thousands of money in celebrating, while at home, many are going gaga over finding food to eat need not doubt not only a waste of people's money, but most importantly, time that could have been spent on matters of the country.

what's more embarrassing is that news came from US press. local media began to question the government and affirm the truth. as of now, the government is still mum about the issue, and other issues are exposed (i.e., costly travels, Arroyo's sudden richness).

obviously, i'm one of those who are tired of news about Arroyo's scandalous activities. i can hardly wait for her to get out and be gone. if those freakin' dinner issues aren't true, why can't they just say the true cost of all they lavished abroad? even the delegates included in that wasteful trip contributed to the fishiness of it all. haay.. who wouldn't get tired of it. it'll always end the same anyway, all of it will be buried in the sands of oblivion.

the best i could do is to wait for election and vote wisely. she won't be remembered anyway, unlike Cory Aquino.

sycophancy

this man, who has crawled and crept through life, wounding the hands he licked, and biting those he fawned upon: this sycophant, who never knew what honour, truth, or courage meant;

-- Barnaby Rudge - A Tale Of The Riots Of 'Eighty' (Charles Dickens)

thank God Filipinos' long wait will be over for more than a quarter of a year. yes, the remaining months of 2009, and the first four months of 2010 will be Gloria Arroyo's last as president of the Philippines. although it's still a long bit of a wait, thinking that it will be over is enough for a good news. i did not see her final SONA (State of the Nation Address) in TV. news reports say that it's mostly a rebuttal, her answers to all the critics of her administration.

i won't deal anymore of her pointless, inconsequential speech. i doubt if all Filipinos believed every word she said. just a waste of time listening to her cock and bull retorts in Batasang Pambansa. i'm more glad 'cause my former teachers in school won't be here requiring me to write a reaction paper regarding the said SONA. for sure, i'll just bombard her with all the negativity the English language could offer.


last week, she made a big deal out of her meeting with US President Barack Obama. with her are a bunch of 'bootlickers', legislators wasting their time hoping to exchange hi and hellos with foreign people and with the President himself. one freakin' actor-turned-senator even confessed he merely joined the entourage just to see Obama (probably even have his picture taken). what a stupid reason to waste people's money...

even at her nearing exit from presidency, Arroyo's political toady (herself) continues to desperately flatter us in everything she does. if i were in Obama's shoes during their meeting, i would ask her one question: do you think Filipinos were satisfied to your almost a decade rule and service as president? i anticipate a starstruck Arroyo in front of international media with all her sycophantic and cocky response.

like any other political flatterers we could think of, Arroyo undoubtedly includes herself in the list. she might have been blinded by power, and saw what she wants to see so that her rule as an executive compliments with what she expected, and not what the masses wanted. obviously, many are not satisfied.

back to square one

shockers: unforeseen turn of events in contrast of what you expected. i remember American Idol season 8 and its shocking results, that Kris Allen won. lot of people apparently expected otherwise. this time I'm the one who experienced a shocker, though it's not very shocking for me, i don't know why.

maybe that's why i was caught unprepared when that thing happened. sad to say and unfortunate enough, i was sacked. yeah, after roughly two weeks at work, i was out with a very unacceptable reason for many. they sacked me because the executives their have to choose from a lot of SEO trainees like me who will stay and advance further to the next level. they told me that i'm one of the many they've already sacked after signing a contract that turned out to be pointless and meaningless. they're broke it anyway, and i don't want to dig deep into it as it would only waste much more of my time. for me, i care a little, but not to the point of getting pissed off or whining about why it happened. i was monotonous and just took it all in. there's sadness of course but only little.

i told myself, well? brilliant! if you don't want me, then don't. it's their loss anyway. besides, a lot of opportunities await me out there. i want to embrace and stick faithfully on being positive and patient when it comes to these things. i accepted it and kept in mind that there's reason why it all end up that way. if there's any consolation, it would be the short time experience i had and that's one of those things that matter. i've learned and i could use those in future.

i told my parents about it. they're saddened and blamed the company. i told them it's all right, i don't care, let them be. no point if i wallow in disappointment.

it happens, the shocker. it will always be, even if we condition ourselves to anticipate expected and unexpected happenings. guess i have to take another journey of exploring and finding. eventually i'll found what i've been looking for. hope, determination, and patience are at my side, and especially God who was, is, and always will be GREAT.

best way to learn: to do

working is very tiring, but i know that it's worth it. since i got hired, i've been tired and drained when i got home. if i would rate myself at work, it would be 6 or 7 'cause i'm still familiarising myself with the whole process. many tasks to learn every single day. i'm not complaining, really. i'm kind of looking forward to how i will perform. many thanks to my additional interest with computers and the Internet.

one of the things i like about my work is the minimum supervision. the one in charge gives instructions and it's up to how you will execute it. just keep the instructions in tact ,and finish and submit your report at the end. work on your own, learn on your own, discover, then do it. to do is very effective way of learning. like an adventure, an exploration. given the basics you become creative in applying them to produce meaningful and satisfying results. there would be mistakes along the way, but it's trial and error when done. i like that kind of work process.

so far, i can say i'm doing good. sometimes i get crappy and all (because of that miserable desktop computer and whatnot, which occasionally hangs up and breaks the momentum), nevertheless it's fun and exciting. quite surprised of myself 'cause i was expecting i'll get somewhat messed up because of my lack of enough confidence. but, hey, i conquered it and got out fine and good. God is really good. never underestimate His force and influence. they would struck you unrecognizable (not in a violent way..go figure).

i don't know what lies ahead tomorrow, next month, or on years to come. all I know is that i won't be a burden anymore to my parents, i work for self-development and professional development, experience, and to find fulfillment in everything i do and may be for the benefit of others other than myself.

what a feeling

had another job interview early morning of 9 July in Cityland Shaw Tower in Mandaluyong. this time the job's an internet blogger. have to wake up as early as 4.00 to get ready. i remember waking up this early when i was in high school, and honestly i don't like the feeling especially if you had an unsatisfied hours of sleep because of staying up late the previous evening. i arrived and met the interviewer. he said he was interested in my application because of my interest in writing which is one of the requirements they need in the position. he asked me some unfamiliar terms like SEO, and some about marketing. i got a plus on writing i believe, but in marketing or about sales, i know nothing about. i told him I'm an easy-learner. he asked me usual interview questions and after that he said they'll contact me if i'm in. ###

last 8 July, after doing the laundry, i've been thinking. it was raining then and i decided to take a bath. i've been thinking about the rain, and how these past days our place was deprived of a single drop and how the scorching heat made us complain and almost curse it. i suddenly began to relate the quote: 'All good things to those who wait' to our wait for the delayed rainy season. that quote's right about most things, if not all things. patience is a good virtue, and i'm happy to say i have enough of it. few moments in my life have I been impatient. sometimes what i've thought of wanting, whether material things or not a long time ago will suddenly come least expected, which would really feel good because the wait's worth it. just by believing we'll get what we want, coupled of course by working to get it. if what we want is meant to be, then we'll have it at the right time for a right reason. God is undeniably good. He knows what's good all the time. whether you're a believer or not, He'll remain as the primary force and mover of all things. ###

hired

last 6 July, i was browsing the JobFinder newspaper for possible work position that suits my skill. mostly i looked into Computer, Creative Media, Publishing categories. the position graphic artist always caught my attention, but i was having doubts since i have limited skills on the said field. though i am interested 'cause somehow i know something about graphic arts especially in image editing and lay-outing done through Adobe Photoshop and PageMaker, i still think that it's not enough to get qualified.

other positions offered are writers. creative writing triggered my eagerness to try and grab the opportunity. i submitted my resume via electronic mail, and fortunately within a day or less, the company replied and invited me for an interview. i was really excited, this could be my chance of spending time with valuable things to do than sit and contemplate what to do with my life while unemployed. StratVisions is the company's name. they offered job positions for applicants specializing in IT, writing, and customer service. i decided to share the opportunity to Kat, a college friend, since she too is still unemployed. happily, she welcomed the idea and decided to come with me the next day to apply.

we've gone through the usual steps of screening: exam and interview. luckily, we were qualified for the final interview that same day, and what a great news it was we were hired, and will have to wait for their call as to when we will start.

with us was another college classmate, Regina. after our application in StratVisions, she referred us to an online English teaching company, Winglish. i was reluctant at first 'cause i'm not ready and did not intend to really teach either online or classroom-based. i did apply anyway. the wait was tiresome. before we go on with the interview we have to wait for almost an hour 'cause we were many who applied. at the interview i was struggling. i blame it on my tiredness and my seemingly low self-motivation and low interest on the job.

after the long wait, Kat, another applicant, and i were interviewed. i felt uncomfortable, really uncomfortable and uneasy. i don't know if i meant what i was saying then. couldn't think clearly and wished that it'd all end. finally, we're through (glad we're through). will have to wait if we qualified for the next stage, that is, another interview or that speaking exam i heard from Reg and from other applicants.

hope i'll perform well on days to come. the writing job would be my first experience as an employee after long years of schooling. i know i can do it, i'll just have to do what i have to do and everything will work well, end well. if not, guess i have to try until i found the peace of working and earning, and the eventual fulfillment a person seeks in defining life as he/she lives it.

good day. ta :D

uno

there's this game application in Facebook that i occasionally play. however, i now usually play Pet Society and Texas Hold 'Em Poker. they're even more entertaining and fun.

Uno is a card game. i won't tell anymore how it's played 'cause it's not the reason why I write about it now. i can tell you, however, that unlike other card games that use typical casino and gambling cards, this one just for fun.

another Uno caught my attention last 4 July. a former high school buddy contacted me about this part-time job. at first he said it's about sales, i as a sales assistant. guess i have to try it since i am unemployed for about three months now. we agreed to meet at The Podium near SM Megamall. he took me to this small 'headquarters' (that's how they call it) across the street about hundred steps away from The Podium. the place was like a beehive, young people swarmed the place. you'll think it's a cinema and people were in for a premiere night. i really have no idea what the place was, i still thought i'll be applying for a sales job.

Loui, the buddy, led me inside the jam-packed quarters. then i saw many videos of people holding checks and bundles of cash speaking in front of a camera declaring how they got money-ful in less than a month. right then and there i realised i was led to a networking gimmick, like Powerhomes where my mother worked a long time ago and was promised to be rich in just two or three ways like a snap. with due respect to Loui, i decided to be open-minded and tried to see for myself how this networking's done.

in fairness to the orientation done by the speaker, he explained well how things work in their company enough to get me signed up and be one of them in no time. i tried being open-minded as i could and i think played the part, but i still had doubts. in order to be an UNO member you have to cash out a P 7,300 'investment' to get started. though, honestly, i was in with the idea of joining but the thought of where will i get P 7,300, stopped me from taking the next level. several members after the orientation tried and tried to convince me. they told me about their experiences, how they earn money with no sweat, among other things (honestly, they were really irritating).

i'm still not sure what to tell Loui if i'll join or what. before we part ways, i told him i may consider borrowing. as of now, chance of joining is really vague. i told my mother about it and she didn't agree with the idea. guess i would have to turn down Loui's offer and seek the usual way of earning money by being an employee.

truly, the company's legitimate. they have complete papers to prove their legality. it's just that i don't see myself earning money, reaching my goals without doing anything but to inhale oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide, sit and relax (according to them, that's how it generally works), and wait for what's going to pour into.

better enter the lion's den, work hard, overcome obstacles to reach your dreams 'cause what you earned from hard work is more fulfilling than just sitting around and wait.

thriller night

'Farrah Fawcett is dead.'
'Michael Jackson, 50, died of cardiac arrest'

i was busy tweeting and updating my Facebook account when i read the news of Farrah Fawcett's death. that was after midnight yesterday, and i immediately re-tweeted the news to my followers and Fawcett fans. i really knew nothing about Farrah, except that he's a former Charlie's angel, and knew most recently the domestic partner of Ryan O'Neal. it would have been too hard for him, and as I put it, a Love Story 2.

Twitter was suddenly flooded with the news of her death. even the seem-to-be-forever number one trending topic #IranElection and the Perez Hilton-Black Eyed Peas issue were set aside to the bottom spots. i thought, after that news, that June was blemished with a curse of celebrity deaths (prior to her death was the passing of Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson's sidekick on The Tonight Show).

no other recent deaths could be more shocking than the King of Pop's sudden, untimely passing. the world was shaken, everything stopped, everyone was dumbfounded. people began to tune in for the latest, hoping that they heard it wrong. Twitter got even more busy as his death aggravated the people's mourning.

i was also shocked. he's still so young, he could even make 2 or 3 more concerts, but his announced last concert in UK would never be and the music he left behind will be relived.

that's how life is. we can never know how it goes and when it'll stop. a lot of surprises and thrills. once you were there, you just have to accept it. for now, doing what we're supposed to do is what matters. life comes and goes, we should live with it while there's still time.

still adamazing...

it has been about a month now when American Idol had its season 8 finale. unfortunately, my bet Adam Lambert was only a runner-up. honestly, i was never shocked of Adam not winning the competition. when Ryan Seacrest shouted: "Kris Allen", i had no reaction at all. i sat there and just stared at the TV, watching Kris's reaction and Adam congratulating him. sure it's a bit of a shock, but i was prepared. expected the unexpected.

a day after that, Hollywood began to post, top of their stories, about the 'shocking' Idol results. as for me, i never really cared that much, because i know Adam's only at the pre-natal stage of his career. looking at the future and the great opportunities ahead of his Idol journey.

then the gay issue thrived on once again gaining so many speculations from showbiz analysts. Adam, apparently, is still unmoved and is still holding on to his 'I am what I am' philosophy. his stronghold faith to his self doesn't reveal a narcissistic behaviour, he's just showing off his true self, he's just 'here for the music', to quote Paula Abdul. his talent matters most. and i admire Adam for his honesty and courage despite these issues. the recent issue of Rolling Stone revealing his sexuality was never a surprise. it served as the much-awaited icing to complete the cake. a confirmation.

i wish Adam all the best of luck in pursuing show business. he's still my Idol, he'll still amaze me with his vocal intensity and confidence on stage. he's still ADAMAZING...

adamazing

the first time tuned in to American Idol from audition days to the finale was last season 7. my bet, David Cook, won and i was glad. now the second time, i'm more glad. seems that my choice for an Idol, Adam Lambert, is going to hit the nail and snitch the crown.

when Adam Lambert worked out his pipes and sang Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, i knew from that moment he's going to be one of those who'll make it all the way up to the finals. the 27-year-old Californian happens to be a trained and experienced performer from being involved in musical theatre as Joshua in "The Ten Commandments" alongside Val Kilmer and Fiyero in "Wicked" to being a singer in different parts of the Golden State.

being on Idol just heightens his opportunity of being known as the modern day Steve Tyler, Freddie Mercury, and even Elvis Presley (for his looks). he introduced Idol to a lot of "firsts" and "bests": Simon's first standing ovation after the performance of a contestant, Paula's first performance on the Idol stage, first Led Zeppelin song to be sung on stage (Whole Lotta Love), best entrance of a performer (according to Simon), "best we've seen in every city" (according to Paula)...

here are some facts about him:

Height: 6' 1"
Status: Single
Occupation: Stage actor/Performer

Music:

Led Zeppelin, Freddie Mercury, Goldfrapp, Muse, Wolfmother, Chic.E, Queens of the Stone Age, David Bowie, Beck, I Am X, The Colour, Dirty Mercy, Marilyn Mason, Bob Marley, Madonna, Kings of Leon, Junior Boys, Ratatat, Gnarls Barkley, Drugs, T.Rex, Jaimie Lidell, Dag, The Ark, The Scissor Sisters, Elton John, The Who, Christina Aguilera, The White Stripes, Eagles of Death Metal, Keane, Janis Joplin, Radiohead, Automatica, Angie Stone, India.Arie, Hendrix, Bonnie Raitt, Beyonce, Kasabian, Missy Elliott, Timbaland, Donny Hathaway, Micheal Jackson, Peaches, LaBelle, Thievery Corporation, Jeff Buckley, Chris Cornell, Ivy, Scarlett, Mz A Superstar, Alisan Porter, Mother's Finest, Sly Stone, Nikka Costa, Aerosmith, Chili Peppers, Chic, Funkadelic, The Raconteurs, Dave Navarro, The Wiz, Hair, Jesus Christ Superstar, VELVET GOLDMINEThis JUSTICE video is SICK!!! JUSTICE : D.A.N.C.E.

Movies:

VELVET GOLDMINE: .. Bad Education, Triplets of Belville, School of Rock, Woodstock, Tommy, Pete's Dragon, Y tu Mama Tambien, Orange County, Ghost (just whoopi's scenes) Waiting for Guffman, Cactus Flower, French Kiss, The Doors, Kids, Willy Wonka, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstien, Dumbo, Indiana Jones Trilogy, Elizabeth, The Messenger, 5th Element, the fiirst two Batman movies, (the rest didnt do it for me) Die Mommy Die, Back to the Future Trilogy, Superstar, Party Monster, Almost Famous, Freeway, HAIR, Interview with a Vampire, Jesus Christ Superstar, the Color Purple, Boogie Nights, Big Fish, Best In Show. Anything with Billy Crudup, Cate Blanchett, Julienne Moore, Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Goldie Hawn, Jack Black, Catherine O'Hara, Val Kilmer.

Television:

WEEDS, DEXTER, SIX FEET UNDER, The OFFICE, Drawn Together, Project Runway, Nip/Tuck, Deadwood, Arrested Development, Family Guy, Simpsons, Music Video channels - when I can watch VIDEOS

Books:

House of Leaves (Mark Z. Danielewski), A Density of Souls (Christopher Rice), True and False (David Mamet), The Amazing Adventues of Kavlier and Clay & Mysteries of Pittsburg (Chambon), Glamorama (Ellis), Wicked (Maguire)


Adam Lambert's musical abilities could be the best i've ever seen in Idol history. he's almost capable of singing every kind of song you could ever think of, making it his own original version viewers will remember. he's the most confident performer, not afraid of giving all he got on stage and being true to himself. he truly is ADAMAZING!

Susan Boyle stuns the whole YouTube viewers and possibly the whole world

47 year-old Susan Boyle, who lives alone with her cat named Pebbles, who confessed that she's never been married and never been kissed, from Blackburn, West Lothian in Scotland wows viewers of Britain's Got Talent and the three judges Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden, and Simon Cowell during the audition singing I Dreamed a Dream from the musical Les Miserables.

Susan's sensational and stunning performance caught everyone on the audition off guard on her first note. prior to the singing, everyone was laughing at her and even the judges sensed that she's another of those "jokes" they've had encountered for the past three years on the show.

a standing ovation from the crowd shied away doubts and Susan made them "rock" as what she's said, judges Piers and Amanda were somewhat teary-eyed, and Simon couldn't hide his surprise. Piers commented that she was the biggest surprise he had for three years on the show and gave "the biggest Yes" he had ever given, Amanda added that it was a privilege listening to her, and Simon ended that she could go home with her head held high.

hosts Ant and Dec were also stunned, they welcomed her upon exiting the stage and after giving that flying kiss which made the audience love her even more.

what a sensational lady! it was like she already won.the video of the episode uploaded in YouTube already garnered more than 30 million views in just six days! even Connie Talbot and Paul Potts can't beat that. she already became a Web star. a recording a decade ago from a charity CD was revealed and had also been uploaded in YouTube, it was called Cry me a River (not the one by Justin Timberlake), and it increased her fame even more.

hope she'll win and be able to be like Elaine Paige!

here's the link of her performance in YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

i dreamed a dream

i applied as a writer in Writers.ph particularly a freelance. sadly, after two days, they responded that my application was turned down. said my qualification did not matched to the one they were looking for. haay..., maybe it's not for me. i guess i have to try other job openings.

i graduated last 27 March with a bachelor's degree in Education. i never dreamed of becoming a teacher nor teaching as my profession. you can say I have no choice, but i don't think I don't have a choice then. i could've taken other available courses like IT, Accounting, etc., the problem with these is that i am not interested with them. Now, i am unemployed, a fresh graduate, submitting resumés online. as I've said before applying as a writer.

writing is one of my interests. more of a passion, actually. i write everything i want to write, i write on my journal, i have several blogs in the Internet (including this one). i have the potential, i can write whatever i want, but i don't know if that's enough to get me employed. i'm having doubts, honestly, but i don't want to be pessimistic. i don't want to think that after four years in college i learned nothing. Of course, i've learned everything i could, everything that the school could offer.

writing, however, is nothing compared to what i really loved most: theatre and music combined. i began to love it since second year high school. we had this musical play presentation in English class. the group where i belong chose the musical play Oliver! but Oliver!'s not the one that really made me love it. it was the other group's presentation of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera. first note of the Overture was really spine-chilling, and something told me that i would permanently love this. and the rest is history.

POTO opened the doors and welcomed me to the world of musical theatre. i became obsessed to the point of searching facts about other musicals especially that of Andrew Lloyd Webber's. POTO introduced me to Jesus Christ--Superstar, Les Misérables, Cats, etc. POTO made me appreciate music, sheer talent, drama, dance, performing arts as a whole.

musical theatre made me discover my interests and my inner self. i believe it has done a lot more that's beyond my knowledge. maybe it's just waiting to be unleashed. Susan Boyle's audition in Britain's Got Talent heightens my love for the performing arts. she represents hope for those who think they can't achieve what they want, that believing in oneself is most important to get what you want. who knows? one day the dream within the dream we dreamt would definitely become a reality.

pomp and circumstance

WOW! fourteen days to go and we'll be marching to receive our diplomas on the newly built 'Crown Jewel' of PCC. the idea's still not sinking; you know, graduating and all. i can't believe i have been through all those four years.

i remember the first day of college life. whenever i imagine myself then, i realise how times have changed so fast, even if it just for four years. i learned things, either old or new. i experienced every experience you can't imagine ever experiencing, because those experiences were really unforgettable. really change is everything, and the changes i've had were very unexpected and unimaginable. i did not anticipate any spark coming out of me in terms of showing myself, and i was really overwhelmed that i did well in my own right. i discovered the different sides of myself, my wants, interest, what i do not want, what i hate to do. every time i find myself doing good, i was really surprised, wow, i really can do it!

basic education hadn't really allow me to fully know myself. of course, i had a great time during my high school days. in fact, i enjoyed those years. college life, on the other hand, is undoubtedly a serious journey, though at times i've been not serious because of wanting it to be light and easy. there are hard times, difficult times in terms of dealing with pressures of studying and learning, but i made sure that i'd deal with them, as much as possible, with joy and comfort. i always thought that life is not difficult or hard, it's as easy as watching a film. just enjoy it, welcome the problems. there may be some very difficult undertakings but i kept myself calm and deal with them with ease and patience. never mind negativity and pressure. i even find time relaxing by whatever means possible just to take out the pressure of those moments. and that was it. those times are over and let see what will happen after that.

Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance is really approaching. i can imagine the First March beckoning each of us graduates to stand and taste every moment of the life we've been through. truly, that day we'll be one of the times of our lives.

Erik est mort

down once more into the gloomy night:
a promise waiting to be fulfilled
she, who once believed of an angel,
is bound to say farewell to a place
where angels fear to tread and wait

a tear rolls down her pale cheek
as she touches the ring on her finger
trembling, she enters his dominion
one painful gasp gives life to the gloom
but the sight upsets her when she sees him in bed

tears flood her eyes and her cheeks
when she takes his hand and kisses it
he tries to speak, she knows he is dying
he looks at her and smiles one piteous smile
as he takes his last breath and forever sleeps

she slips the ring into his finger in promise
and stays for what seems an eternity
a man carries his body to a spot
where darkness can still reach him
no epitaph, no reminder, but his memory inside her heart

The Rose and the Nightingale

[The following is an excerpt from Susan Kay's novel "Phantom". This is one of my favourite scenes in the novel]

I often sit on a cushion at his feet, with my back resting against his chair, and beg him to
read to me, gazing into the flickering fire while his voice paints pictures in my mind. Sometimes he reads to me from the Rubaiyat, weaving the delicate, melancholy rhymes of Omar Khayyam into a rich tapestry, that I may touch the ancient poet's regret for the fleeting swiftness of life and love. Shakespeare . . . ancient legends . . . and then, tonight, an old minstrel song that made me close my eyes on tears . . . the story of the white rose who loved a nightingale against the will of Allah.
"Night after night the nightingale came to beg for divine love, but though the rose trembled at the sound of his voice, her petals remained closed to him. . . ."
Flower and bird, two species never meant to mate. Yet at length the rose overcame her fear and from that single, forbidden union was born the red rose that Allah never intended the world to know.
The thought of that white rose filled me with such bitter shame, made me bate my ignoble
cowardice, my unworthy physical shrinking, the childish, lingering revulsion for that face.
Teaming to turn and reach out to him, I remained unable to conquer that inner fear. It was a
chasm I dared not cross. And so instead I sat there, like the little mouse in Aesop's fable, not
daring to look upon the lion bound by cruel ropes. Chained by fate and shackled by pride, he
starved in silent pain; and because I lacked the courage of a rose, I could not set him free.
When the story ended we sat in silence for a long time until at last he leaned forward with
a sigh.
"It's very late, my dear, " he said gravely. "I think it's time you went to bed."
Drifting into my bedroom, my mind still revolving ceaselessly around that lovely Arabic tale, I caught a movement from the comer of my eye and turned to find upon the counterpane the biggest spider I had ever seen in my life. It was easily the size of my fist, and at the sight of its black malevolence I let out an unlovely shriek which brought Erik to my door.
"What is it?" he demanded in alarm.
Unable to speak, I simply pointed and he laughed as he went over to my bed.
"I'm afraid we get a lot of these down here. He is a big fellow, isn't he? I suppose his mate is in here somewhere too."
"Oh, God!" I said with feeling, glancing nervously across the floor. "Do you really think
so?"
"They're usually found in twos, " he said absently, bending to catch the hideous thing gently in his hands. "When I've put this one out I'll come back and look, if you wish. "
I stared at him in horror.
"You're only going to put it out? Won't it just come back?"
"That's not very likely, my dear. "
"But it might, " I persisted stubbornly. "Erik, I would die of fright if one crept over me while I was asleep. I've always been terrified of spiders. I'd feel so much happier if you just . . . well, just got rid of it permanently."
He stiffened, and when he turned to look at me there was something in his eyes which made me shiver.
"You want me to kill it?" he said expressionlessly.

"If—if you don't mind, " I stammered, suddenly unnerved by the pulsing venom of his gaze.
"Oh, I don't mind at all, " he said with an anger that was now unmistakable. "I rather think the spider might have one or two objections to make—but then, after all, it's only a spider, isn't it? Just a mindless, soulless, ugly thing that has no right to live and frighten people!"
Without another word he clenched his fist tightly, dropped the crushed insect on the carpet, and walked out of the room.
"Erik!" I cried after him, in alarm. "What about the other one?"
"Kill it yourself, if you can find it!" he said coldly, and shut the door on me with a savage
bang.
I covered the spider with my shawl, so that I should not have to look at it, and when I had
glanced warily beneath the sheets, I sat miserably on the bed with my legs tucked up beneath my chin.
It was the first time he had ever spoken to me like that—as though he hated me!
Slowly I slipped into the lace-trimmed nightgown and ventured at last beneath the sheets,
exploring each fresh cool expanse with tentative toes. I lay awake for a long time, brooding on his anger, but I must have fallen asleep at last, for the sensation of something brushing my cheek made me wake with a scream.
I leapt out of the bed in a mindless panic and rushed into the adjoining room.
"Christine!" Erik laid his book aside and came toward me in concern. "Oh, my precious
child, don't cry like that!"
I covered my face with my hands; I was shaking from head to foot like a perfect fool.
"Erik . . . I know you 're very angry with me . . . but please, please, go in and find that
other spider. I know there's one still in there. . . . I know it!"
"You really are very frightened, aren't you?" he said quietly.
"Yes. . . ." My teeth were chattering with cold and terror. "Yes! I'm sorry, but I can't help
it. I know it's cruel, I know they have the right to live like any other creature, but I just can't bear them! If one touched me, I think my heart would stop. "
He gestured for me to take his seat by the fire, the same slow, rather elegant unfurling of
hand and wrist with which he often drew me toward him when he sang. There was something
infinitely powerful and irresistible in that movement; something that made me feel I would follow that hand even if it led me over the edge of the world.
He guided me into the chair, as though I were a marionette incapable of moving without
his aid, and yet still he did not touch me.
I sat and stared into the hearth while I listened to him moving furniture in the next room.
Presently he came back and threw a crumpled piece of paper onto the fire.
"It's gone now, " he said sadly. "Go back to bed and I will bring you something to make
you sleep without nightmares."
I got up in silence, like an obedient child, and returned to my room.
In the doorway I glanced back and saw him staring at the paper, which was shriveling and
turning black against the coals.
He made no movement and no sound.
And yet I am almost sure he bad begun to cry.


If you touched me I think my heart would stop.
She doesn't know it, but she's answered the question I dare not ask. This is a love that
Allah never meant to be. These are petals which will never willingly open, even for the song of a nightingale.
Once more I stand and watch her sleep. I did not need to give her so much laudanum. She'll sleep the clock around now, in a deep drugged, dreamless slumber that will admit no
conscious memories.
If I took her now, comatose and unresisting, in this very bed where I was born, she wouldn't even remember in the morning. . . .
I want her!
But I will not sink to the level of a mindless beast. Murderer, thief, unscrupulous
extortionist, contemptible drug addict . . . this is one crime I cannot commit. I can take nothing from her that is not given of her free and conscious will.
So I will close the door and return to my music and my morphine. Peace waits for me now
in that sweet, familiar needle. The price of the oblivion that drowns all thought and desire is a
simple pinprick and a single, welling drop of blood—the only blood-red rose I shall ever sire in
this world!
Good night, Christine! Look with tolerance, if you can, on the pale ashes of my indulgence
tomorrow.
Morphine is a vice that delivers me from greater sin.